A question I’ve recently been asking myself is where the balance of ease and struggle exists. There are parts of my life and body that I have struggled to accept and parts that feel at ease. When the struggles become too much and I fixate and lament, I tend to get angry and wish for change and relief. But how much of that struggle is necessary for my own evolution and enlightenment? What is a life without struggle? When is it important to accept what is? And if you make changes and things become easier, how do you build character from ease?
My kids and I are challenged with obstacles each day. How much should I help them? How much do I let them figure out on their own? Similarly, how much do I ask for help and how much do I struggle through? What is the necessary amount of struggle?
As my boys grow older, parenting them has gotten a little less overwhelming. It feels more spacious. And I’m not sure how to feel about it. What is it in the moments of ease and joy that I can’t fully settle into? I’ve heard mothers say that they feel guilty about finding ease in their life at the moment especially while others are having a hard time. But I think we all are in and out of these moments. And it’s in the ease and simple times that we need to be the supporters and in the challenging moments to be supported (and to accept both roles). An important note here is that ‘me’ is much better served as ‘we’ in our struggles and ease. Thich Nhat Han shares in his book Miracle of Mindfulness how it is a good reminder that our success is never all our own much the same as our pain is not all our own. Our ancestors, our family members, our partners, and peers are all part of the equation. Our joy and pain are never truly all our own. We are part of something greater.
A recent example of the acceptance of being a part of something greater than me was during my miscarriage era. I would pray at night for God to bless me with a child – to carry a baby to full-term and to have a healthy delivery. A helpful practice at the time, shared by Gabby Bernstein, was to remove the ‘self’ from the equation. To ask for the best outcome for the world and for those around me. Me begging for a child was self-serving and I needed to make the request about something greater than me. This practice eased my anxiety through what was a sad and stressful time in my life. It’s a hard truth to realize it’s not all about me but the ease of being part of something bigger makes it an easier pill to swallow.
In an interview, poet, Andrea Gibson shared how one of her greatest teachers emphasized the importance of the butterflies struggle to become a butterfly. Of course, when a human sees this struggle, we want to ease the pain, help peel open the cocoon to help the butterfly out. But when a human does this the butterfly has far less chance of thriving because the struggle is critical to its thriving. And so, she explains “we have to figure out the balance of when to really show up for each other, communities that show up for each other, and then also communities where we’re knowing how to teach each other our strength” (Gibson, 2023).
In her recent Dear Baby series, Haley Nahman shares the idea of acceptance to better process our struggles and perpetual insecurities. Acceptance is what Nahman describes as a form of bravery, an inaction that doesn’t require you to change a feature of your body or a situation. How would life be different if we accepted our situations or our bodies as they are? How would this change your outlook? Nahman explains:
Sometimes when I’m spinning about a problem, I’ll pause to ask myself what it would mean to accept the problem instead of solve it. Sometimes the question alone is startling…. there are no quick fixes for the life-long work making peace with our bodies—as they change, as they drift in and out of social “acceptability”, as they age. When our consciousness finally departs, our bodies are all that will be left behind, marked by how we treated them (Nahman, 2024).
I’m not equating acceptance as a form of radical self-love, while I remember that concept having a place in my early 20’s. Now I feel that the love I have for life is required to go beyond aesthetics and lean into the balance of ease and struggle as a collective. A heavy heart may be balanced by the lightness of your fingertips dancing across a piano to entertain a friend. Or your racing mind may benefit from a slow walk-in nature with a young child.
I hope to keep this on my heart as the challenges come and go with my kids. That I allow space and acceptance for the struggle AND the joy. For the challenges to help them grow in ways only their experience with the world can teach them. And of course, as I work to guide them, I hope I show up for the lesson too.
Doyle, Glennon. (2023) The Bravest Conversation We’ve Had: Andrea Gibson. We Can Do Hard Things, June 1, 2023 https://open.spotify.com/episode/3VkAIbTrJxat8IOAY1GXYP?si=nkM2nxtrTF6Tk2rvWb5eGA
Nahman, Haley. (2024) Dear Baby: Should I “fix” my double chin? Maybe Baby. July 28, 2024. https://haleynahman.substack.com/p/dear-baby-should-i-fix-my-double
Nhat Hanh, Thich. (1999) The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation. Beacon Press.
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