Someone said recently that they’ve forgotten how to be a person and it hit.
Things come out of my mouth that I immediately regret or that people take the wrong way which I’m still undecided if it’s me or them. It’s like I have a lack of self-awareness or dare I say, am socially tone-deaf.
For instance, I was at the Co-op pharmacy the other day and I’m looking for a 2-in-1 wash for the swimming pool that I frequent with my two little amigos. As I’m standing there, I notice the music PUMPING. And I LOVE IT. I think to myself, who is running the tunes here? It must be some young, cool kid or something? Then I carry on. As I’m standing in line at the till a lady in front of me looks back, mumbles something that I totally miss and so I chalk it up to nothing. Then it’s my turn to pay, I take my phone out of my pocket and the music gets LOUDER. It’s MY music. I’m the cool, hip kid with the tunes bumpin. My phone disconnected from my car stereo and started to play while in my pocket. Likely annoying every single person in the store as I walk by unaware of my own ignorance.
So, it got me thinking more about self-awareness. I’ve always thought I had a reliable sense of it, but somewhere along the line I feel more vulnerable to ignorance. So, it’s got me wondering…is it post-pandemic? Is it motherhood? Is it my middle-aged-ness? Or am I just trying to over-intellectualize every emotion I feel?
There are days where I feel that words are blurting out as unattractive as the runny goo that comes out prematurely of the mustard bottle. And then I find myself overcompensating with kindness to the level of questionable authenticity. It’s like I need people to believe I have good intentions. But I’m understanding more that my intentions are nothing when compared to action. I always felt that if you didn’t intentionally mean to be a jerk or didn’t intend for someone to feel a certain way, I’m good. BUT it really narrows down to the age-old metaphor, actions speak louder than words, which I think should read, actions speak louder than intentions. Intentions really mean nothing without parallel actions.
And so, saying all of this, what I think I need to hear firstly is, I’m NOT perfect. And what I should do now is give grace and understanding for others who are also not perfect. Like Stephen M.R. Covey’s quote, “we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions”. I need to be mindful that no matter what comes out of people’s mouths or how they act it’s just evidence that we’re all fumbling along in life making similar faux pas. To let things go often and to hope that our friends and family afford us the same. Secondly, I think it’s important for me to come back to any sort of spiritual practice that helps me look beyond myself through prayer, meditation, or attending religious services. These are the practices that help us find a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. More focus on the greater good, less on the minor slips.
So, if you see me at the pharmacy with the tunes going…I’m only in need of some grace. And yes, maybe a bit more self-awareness.
Wishing you all grace and goodwill.
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