A guideline for her village
I went to visit a friend who recently had a baby. She has three older children, two of which are still at home with her. As she nursed her baby, I watched her 2-year-old climb on top of her mother’s shoulders and head. She was looking for her mother’s undivided attention, something rare when a new baby arrives. Throughout the day the kids couldn’t stop begging for their mother’s attention. She would undoubtedly give it to them when she could, but it didn’t seem enough to satisfy their needs. So, I began to hug them, to put them on my lap…to help them with anything they needed. Slowly the attention seeking behaviours started to lessen. The children needed their village.
Because my boys are starting to get a bit older and less dependent on me, I don’t want to forget how trying the first few years of transitioning into motherhood really are. And so, I’ve crafted a list that I believe are ways to support when you feel a bit unsure of what a mama needs.
1. Don’t ask the mother what she needs or say things like “let me know if you need anything”. There’s a good chance she’s not even sure what she needs and the weight of asking for help is often hard to do in our independent, individualistic culture. Ask the person who is closest to her…her partner, her sister, her mother. Anyone who might know what she needs at this precious time. They are more likely to have an honest conversation with her and might be able to give you some insight where her village might be needed most. Mothers are thinking of their babies and young children 99.9% of the time. It’s likely she is consumed with being the best mother she can be and has a hard time thinking outside that. Her brain has been rewired to care for her child. Find out how you can care for her in this delicate time.
2. Make offerings of how you can be supportive. Let her know the types of support you might be able to give her. Maybe it’s taking her older ones for a walk to the park, entertaining them at home, or offering to cook meals for the family. Older children need time and attention that their mother is often unable to provide when there is an infant in the home. And we all know when toddlers don’t get attention the behaviours become challenging. Things get intense.
3. Don’t leave her alone in the home for days on end. Find out how she is doing through her or her closest support person. Don’t think “she’ll figure it out”. Because motherhood is a time of precious, vulnerable transitions and being alone with children can feel like a lonely island. However sweet her partner might be, our world has assigned them a job that often happens outside the home that doesn’t allow them to support in the way a mother needs.
4. Rethink baby showers. While I do appreciate and love that people are willing to show up and buy gifts for the new baby, it’s my opinion that rather than a one-day baby shower instead a multiple month’s long shower of constant, ongoing support that is there when she needs it. A balance of encouragement for her own strength and communal love and guidance. The baby doesn’t need another toy…it needs a mother who is cared for and her children’s needs are shared with others. Let’s take care of our mothers, so they can in turn take care of our children.
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