Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my journey through infertility. It has been some time since I’ve really allowed myself to sit with these emotions and reflect on a journey that was truly all encompassing. During the thick of my 4 and a half year journey trying to become a Mama, I was stuck in this cycle of keeping myself as busy as possible so I could not possibly have a second to face my current reality. It seemed easier at the time, to not allow myself to be open about our journey, to not allow others to support me through many hard moments and losses.
It was shortly after year 4 of my journey that I started writing and sharing more openly on my blog (a shock to many I’m sure). Being more open about my struggles and experiences brought a lot of connections I would have never had otherwise. It’s as if by sharing my story, it gave permission to other women to feel comfortable sharing theirs as well. Being more open also brought a lot of moments where I was left standing in a grocery store aisle unsure if I should cry or scream. The questions and the statements that were asked of me still to this day leave me in disbelief.
“Have you ever considered adoption?”
“Trust me, once you stop trying you’ll get pregnant”
“Have you tried acupuncture? My friend went through IVF and she had 2 babies successfully because of acupuncture”
“So…who’s fault is it? Yours or Drews?”
“Omg, now that you adopted you will for sure get pregnant! It happens all the time!”
“Who is Jayce’s real Mom?”
Friends…this is only a small fraction of the questions and comments that were directed to me during a really fragile time in my life. When I’m not overly emotional about my journey I do believe (for the most part), that people really do mean well when they make comments or ask personal questions about my story. But what I hear in all of those questions and comments is it’s my fault. It’s my fault I can’t get pregnant. Maybe if I exercised less, or tried acupuncture, or stopped “trying” to have a baby, or gave up on IVF and just pursued adoption, maybe just maybe I would then be blessed with a child. What I hear, loud and clear, is “Sonya, you could be doing more. You are not trying hard enough to become a Mama”.
After the sting of those comments and questions fades, I’m usually left with one question that I want to say back to them, “Do you think this is my fault?”, “Do you really feel like that question is any of your business?”.
I think that it’s really easy to feel in a position to offer help and advice to someone when you haven’t been asked to walk the journey that they have. As if you are giving them useful information they have not yet stayed up all night thinking about.
So friends, I encourage you to understand boundaries around asking questions or making comments that are not yours to make. Instead of, “You should try this!”, or, “If only you did this”, your only response to a woman walking through a really hard season in life is this:
“You are holding this journey so well friend. You are truly doing a beautiful job walking this journey you were given to walk”.
It’s not up to you to make sense of it, or to name it, or find a cause or reason for it. Because trust me, I can tell you from personal experience, the woman you are making those comments to has blamed herself, and has thought about every possible option available to her to make the pain go away.
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